I Want a Husband (Stylistic imitation of I Want a Wife)

I belong to the cluster of people known as husbands. I am a husband. And simultaneous, I am the head of my household.

       A few weeks ago I came across a young female who had just gotten engage. She spoke to me of her dream house, dream furniture, dream European china, dream silverware, dream diamond ring, dream children, and not to forget, dream marriage life. And as I stood there listening, it occurred to me that I too have dreams, and now, wouldn’t it be nice if I too was to have a husband? Why do I want a husband?

        I would like to relax in the comfort of a peaceful home, trade in my electric drill and screw guns for a comfortable magazine on a subject I find stimulating, become the intellectual I’ve always aspired to be and perhaps spend my days caring for my innocent children, supporting them with love and only love. I want a husband to be the head of the household. And while being the head of the household, I want a husband who will keep my children and me safe.

     I want a husband who will give my children and I all we need through his hard work and dedication. I want a husband who will sponsor my education through his part time six days a week. I want a husband who will encourage my path towards an enlightened future, regardless of the years of life he is working off.  I want a husband who will allow me to relax in my peaceful home by working 10 hours a day. And while I am at ease reading my comfortable magazine, he is 30 stories off ground level fixing the electric wiring of a comfortable hotel. I want a husband who will only care about my needs and also, my children’s needs. I want a husband who will get home from work with tired eyes and still have the energy to compliment my fresh out-of-the-spa body. And as he compliments me, I want a husband who will tell me that he loves me more than anything, no matter how aphonic his voice is from exposure to the cold.  I want a husband who will live and breathe love. And this love will be of course for me and my children.

     I want a husband who will pay for my social gatherings with friends. I want a husband who will pay for the expensive china I serve my hors d’ouvres in at my social gatherings. I want a husband who will pay for the pearl necklace and silk skirt that will make me the envy all the wives at my gathering. And while paying for all, my husband will be happy at the fact that I’m happy, and like it.

  I want a husband who would rather stay home with my children and me, rather than go out with his friends on a Friday night after a long day at work.

And I want a husband who will be the envy of all my friends for his strapping body and dashing physical features. And my husband will do all he can to maintain his body as I like it and thus continue to be the envy of my friends. I want a husband who will listen to what I have learned through my magazines and books, and thus continue to be the envy of my friends. I want a husband who will kiss me passionately, and thus continue to be the envy of my friends. I want a husband who will please me in all aspects of a relationship, and in doing so, be the envy of my friends.

 And my husband will not give me reasons to doubt his word. I want a husband who will be faithful to me. I want a husband who will only have eyes for me, no other woman.  My husband will make me the happiest human in the world through his good deeds and selflessness.

And there will be no chance whatsoever that I would ever contemplate the idea of leaving him for another man, as well as he contemplate the idea of leaving me for another woman. For my husband will be the perfect man, supporting me in all aspects of a relationship, and see me as the perfect woman, supporting him in all aspects of his life.

My God, who wouldn’t want a husband?

Feminist Analysis of The Scarlet Letter

         In The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne creates a world that is a reflection of the Puritan values and ideals. In this world, we are introduced to characters that can be classified into two groups- male, and female. The reader follows a number of relationships, each a product of the other, coming together into what is The Scarlet Letter.  Hester Prynne, a puritan woman forced to wear the letter ‘A’ on her chest for an act frowned upon by all levels of society, adultery, sustains most of these relationships. Hawthorne touches upon her relationship with Dimmesdale, Roger Chillingworth, young Pearl, and most importantly, society. The fact that Hester Prynne is a woman, plays out on how the Puritan society treats her throughout the novel due to her sustained relationship with Dimmesdale (who is kept anonymous as her lover); society also holds perceptions on Hester’s lack of ability to make a good Puritan out of little Pearl at one time in the novel. This can be linked back to the ideals of the bible, taking into consideration the fact that the Puritan society was built upon godly ideals, thus, evokes a godly society.  These biblical principles are the direct roots of society’s attitudes and perceptions towards women. Hester Prynne is an example.      

    Hester Prynne is put to shame and scrutinized by malicious whispers and opinions on behalf of members of her society. Her crime of adultery is vivid through her conception of Pearl. Being the woman in the relationship, Hester is unable to hide her act of adultery unlike the male, who easily blends back into society as if nothing.  Due to this, Nathaniel creates a Hester who is forced to pay for her crime on behalf of society. Hester is put to endure the penetrating and skin flinching glares as she stands on the town scaffold. Not only this, but society brands her as a “hussy” (pg 55, The Scarlet Letter), just like our modern day society brands underage pregnant teens as “sluts”. Skeptics may claim that there is a line between the society in the world of The Scarlet Letter and the reality that is our modern society. However, Hawthorne writes from what he knows, and he writes specifically about the reaction of a godly society (that is the Puritan’s) when challenged by what is believed to be sin (the fact that it originates from a female, makes it even worse). This can be related back to the concept of the role of women in original sin. Hence, one is able to state that there is reality in the ideals of Hester’s society. It is not a society that originates from the depths of Hawthorne’s mind. The fact that Hester, a woman is caught up in adultery worsens the shame and the degree of sin. Hester is ostracized and seen as an embodiment of all things sinful in a woman, much like the scarlet women of the Bible who represented dangerous qualities that caused the downfall of men (such as lust, seduction, deceit). One can see how the attitudes of puritan society on a woman such as Hester, is a reflection of the negative association of women in the Bible. Eve was easily deceived into taking a fruit from the tree of knowledge (the fact that she, a woman, was deceived, portrays women as the weaker sex); she influenced Adam to do so too, causing his downfall.

    The fact that women are portrayed as the downfall of men makes it clear that the bible takes men’s side. And so, the woman, not the man, is punished for eating from the tree with childbearing as written in Genesis 3:16 of the Bible. Does this mean that Eve’s scarlet letter for original sin are the children she bears? Isn’t this the same with Hester and her scarlet letter? Hester is publicly shamed/punished for her crime at the beginning of the novel, but no man stands next to her, even though they both are equally guilty. Society demands to know who her lover was in order to ‘punish’ him, but after Hester’s silence, the lover is no longer mentioned by society. He is easily forgotten. If it weren’t for Dimmesdale’s guiltiness eating him up, Dimmesdale, the male, would have gotten away with it because society mainly focused on punishing Hester. 

   And while society ostracized Hester, Dimmesdale was admired and seen as a man sent from heaven. There was a time when Dimmesdale declared to the public that he was “altogether vile, a viler companion of the vilest, the worst of sinners”, the public’s reaction did not condemn him for a sinner, but sanctified and grew with admiration.

      In our modern day society, this behavior where society thinks less of woman in comparison to a man, is still alive today from time of The Scarlet Letter. If a man commits adultery, he is not frowned upon by society as much as a woman. A popular modern day example is Tiger Woods who had intimate relationships with women outside marriage. This did not ruin his career as a golf star and in a couple of months; his life was back to normality. Does this mean that society believes that fidelity tests for women only, and not men? This believe can be linked back to examples in the bible where heroic/saintly figures such as Lot had 700 wives, as mentioned in Numbers 5:11-31.

   Nathaniel Hawthorne creates A Scarlet world based on the ideals of the puritans, where the sinning woman is ostracized and plagued with cruelty at first, but then aspires to ascend from the lowest level in society to something higher. The ideals of the puritans towards women were not accurate, but precise as can be. This says much about the role of women in our modern day society. However, the fact that Hester was able to live her life helping out others in society and thus gain some respect, changed the meaning of her scarlet letter. It stood for ‘able’. Thus, this book overall did not devaluate women. The negativity towards Hester came from the godly society itself. The same attitudes towards women goes on today in our society. And, if not is coincidence, society’s attitudes towards its women can be linked back to the Bible’s attitude towards women.

  

 

Rip Van Halo (Stylistic Imitation of Rip Van Winkle)

     Whoever has made their voyage down the cascading Laramie River is sure to have been embedded in blue, gray and green at the midst of breath-taking mountain ranges pleasurable to the eyes and the senses.  The Snowy Range and the Laramie Range lie resting at peace, radiating beauty and serving as the shelter of small birds and other creatures of warm and pleasant nature that breathe in the fresh scent of grass and feel the soft embrace of the cool wind. One has most likely witnessed the wild coloring of the sky due to the hundreds of fluttering little pixie wings that chirp sweet lullabies to the trees, adorning the sky with their lively presence.  But on the inside of this scene is a city that is most likely familiar to the voyager, whether seen from atop the mountains or seen on TV. This city located in between these two mountain ranges is the home to a large population of sweet and innocent human-beings that share the same nature of the charming little birds that fly gracefully throughout Snowy and Laramie Range.  So much is the delightfulness of these pleasant human-beings that one cannot help but keep a smile when witnessing their passionate and good-hearted engagement in jolly activities that give meaning to the human soul. There lived years ago in this spirited city, a lovely fellow by the name of Rip Van Halo. Among the inhabitants of the city of Paramie, he was a prime example of the heart-warming spirit and accepting ideals of Paramie.  There are no words that can ever come close to describing the awe-inspiring good nature of Rip Van Halo. He was a quiet, but lovable fellow with a tight grip on the world of knowledge and a dislike towards liberal Thomas Jefferson for his ridiculously lenient proposal of a law that would mandate castration for gay men and the mutilation of nose cartilage for gay women. 

          Rip Van Halo was considered the smartest among them all, and the most sensible and caring, for he lifted the hearts of others. If one of his friends was feeling sad, then Rip Van Halo would do the most valiant and noble act known to the Christian man, receive a passing young boy with gay slurs, drowning the boy’s fragile heart in an intense pain, and branding his equally as fragile body, the product of the laceration of the flesh.  Now Rip Van Halo was a truly remarkable individual with a beautiful soul. He was always sure to assert his benevolence every second of the day.  At the funeral of young boy by the name of Matthew Leppard, Rip was present. He held a large sign on his hand that said “God Hates Fags”. He served as the light in the midst of all the darkness and pain, the pillar of all the good men. And Rip whispered majestic words into the crowd like a passionate individual, “Rot in hell Matthew Sheppard”. This sure lifted the spirits of many of his humble followers, setting a fine example.        

           After gracing everyone with his majestic presence, and carrying out God’s will, Rip walked home with his companions, where he was welcomed by a woman who radiated sin and lack of morals. This woman was his aunt who was an avid believer of the human rights. In defending the gay men and women, her soul was tainted with vile colors. She was a sinner, an evil and perverse woman who tortured and tempted innocent Rip. She tried brainwashing him to leave his path of infinite goodness and devotion to the human race. And so, Rip escaped her vile words intended to penetrate his saintly soul, and ran away from his right will to inflict pain on her. He took his car and drove out into the wilderness where he breathed in pure air and danced among the deer and rabbits, just like Snow White. And after all the jolly frolicking, Rip came to a rest and laid down on the grass, gazing at the sundown and thinking of new ways to persecute young men and women with queer tastes. It was then that he heard a macabre cry strike the silent air, “Rip, Rip!”

         He was sure this was his aunt, Dame Van Gruesome. He felt a presence hover over him, and at a blink of an eye, he saw a short man with a halo over his head and a magical tool on his hand. The short man pointed his jigsaw that said “I Hate Fags” towards a gully. And having seen such a delicate handling of such a majestic tool, Rip knew that the short man was trust-worthy and followed him. They made their way to an amphitheater in the middle of the wilderness. There, Rip gazed at a group of adolescents sharpening other tools in the jigsaw family. They were dressed in an unfamiliar, but acceptable style. There was no queerness in them, for the jigsaws that said “I Hate Fags” and the books of faith resting on the table, were a token of their fair-nature. They all shared these magical drinks throughout the night, one after another. Rip was surely enamored with the fine taste and sensation of the euphoria inducing drink that he drank and drank so much that his senses were overpowered, his head was inclined the direction of gravity, and he fell into a deep sleep.

             Upon waking, he slowly stretched his arms and found that he slept the night in the wilderness. He recalled the men and the majestic jigsaws, but it all seemed illusory, as if it was a fragment of his imagination, a dream. And so, Rip concluded that it was a dream and walked towards his car happily to start a new day of good deeds. Yet, he was surprised to see a rusted and worn down car covered with moss and vines. A strange thing, Rip thought.  He removed the clutches of nature upon his car and drove back home. Upon entering Paramie, he was surprised to see people unfamiliar to him. The houses did not hold the same appearance he had last seen, and upon arriving at his house, he learned that he no longer lived there for the house was abandoned. Confused at the sight of the unfamiliar surroundings, Rip walked towards his best friend’s house where he found a newspaper dated September 2010.

           His eyes widened at this ghastly fact, it had been 12 years, and what had happened? He turned the page to find an article on the Democrat president Barack Obama. And he was outraged at the fact that the immoral Democrats still controlled the house, Clinton and now this new man. How he detested this, for the Democrats supported gay rights, and thus, they were instruments of the devil, just like his macabre aunt who supported humanism, religious freedom, and individual freedom and did deeds such as helping out single mothers, showing compassion towards the adolescent lost in an eerie world of drugs. He could not stand this. He read an article about the progress of Gay Right, becoming ware that Bill Clinton had signed the Executive Order 13087 in 1998, and that in 2004, Massachusetts had legalized gay marriage.

              This irked saintly Rip and it caused a deep pain, for his lifelong work and support of a godly society had been shattered at the hands of Democratic sinners in the government. And just as his eyes started to drown in liquid, and a tear ran down his cheek, Rip turned the page to find an article that lifted his heart, “Tormented to Death”.

              He had been asleep for 12 years, but his ideals and methods lived not only in him, but in others. And although times had changed, and there was ‘progress’, Rip regained his place in the sector he had once lived in, and was once more loved by his aged friends. It was as if he had never fallen asleep.